Memento mori

I won't say that I'll keep blogging constantly because it's impossible. Lack of updates was inevitable because (emo mode on) life didn't feel happy enough to blog about food and cafes.

From 122___10

It's been more than two weeks since someone close to me passed away. It's the first time I experienced death so near to me. The last time I faced it was when my black cat died back years ago, where I was right there when it happened, felt him go cold and into rigor mortis, it was terrifying.

From 122___10

We all deal with grief and loss in different ways. I've found mine within these 10 days, denial on the first day and simply not believing someone I was with just a day ago, happy and healthy, could be gone forever just like that. Shutting out everyone and everything for the first 3 days and wallowing in pathetic tears that came again every few minutes after stopping, while recounting in my mind everything he said, everything he did, every moment we spent together.

From 122___10

After the first week, rather than mourning the loss of his sudden passing, acceptance came, and along with it, determination to keep going. His work, his inspiration, his passion, his crazy workaholic attitude to do everything right and still have time to care for others, his empathy, his warmth and care, everything will be remembered. 

From 122___10

Years ago when I first started this blog, it was a personal blog filled with childish everyday events and things that mattered to a teenager before it slowly turned into a light-hearted blog that focused on food. It wasn't meant to.

From 122___10

Now I express my thoughts and feelings like I did back then, as I look at these beautiful roses from Roxborough Park, Baulkam Hills, in particular this light purple one which I decided was my favourite. He meant a lot to me, as a mentor, as a good friend, as a father, as a colleague and teacher and lecturer and supervisor and leader and so much more.

From 122___10

I couldn't find the right words to express who he was to me, or what he meant to me. Psychologist tried to get us to express it during our counselling session, and it was impossible. I couldn't say anything because words don't seem very fitting to describe a whole person's life and the meaning of one's existence to me. 

From 122___10

Pictures... and music, though I couldn't face music for the longest time since his passing. It was something he loved, but the centre was void of all music for 5 days ever since news came of his sudden death. The centre was eerily silent, with us speaking in quiet tones and tears of grief free falling from our faces. 

From 122___10

I will never forget our final conversation together, when I asked if he had a moment and took him into the tutorial room, where I questioned him about my presentation during the conference just two days prior. He was all praise and compliments, telling me the balance of case study and information and light hearted material was just right and that he thoroughly enjoyed it, saying it was just as good if not better than my student presentation, which he said was the best he had ever heard. Such honor coming with a man as great as himself. He prepared me for the future too, letting me know that he won't be able to do sessions with me in the coming weeks because of a research project he was about to undertake. He was letting me know he won't be there with me forever... it was time to fly off and be on my own and show what I can do. He thought I was ready. 

Am I ready? I still don't know, but I have no choice but to BE ready now. I can't disappoint him now.

From 122___10

He was always an avid gardener, and I would always see scratches on his hands and face when he came into work on Monday. He would always describe his gardening over the weekend with a smile on his face though, showing clear delight and enjoyment in planting and gardening. His boyish grin always lit up his face, making him seem 40 years younger.

From 122___10

Now I can say my final goodbye to him, and thanks... for raising me up to be a better music therapist, for letting me know I can do the work that I do, and improve. I sorely wish we had more time together, there were so many things I wanted to know from him, more knowledge to learn, more meaningful discussions and his forever encouraging words to hear... yet I am grateful for what we had together, for a whole world of people did not have even that little time to know him.

From 122___10

Thank you, Robin Howat. You have been an absolutely glowing and positive existence in these short 3 years of knowing you. Thank you for your music, your words, your presence and your being. Thank you for letting me know a man as great as yourself. Farewell.

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Epilogue: I wrote this entry many days ago, but I couldn't decide whether to post it or not. Today... as my birthday, I received a card signed by everyone at the centre, and he actually wrote a message in there for me... his last message to me. Despite being physically sick and still going to work, so many people have made my day a wonderful one, and for that, I am extremely grateful. Thank you. Special shout out to my brother, who got me a beautiful cake from Pattinson's, and my parents for falling in love and having me.

Sentimental entry, I know, but I will hopefully resume blogging about happier things and food again. Closure is to be had.